‘I once heard someone refer to police cars as “blueberries and raspberries”’
‘When I was in HS I had a really awesome gym teacher. One of the games we used to play was floor hockey in the gym, just like ice hockey except with tennis shoes and a ball instead of a puck. There was a kid in my class that was a total dick-head and every day at the end of class I would ask the teacher “is it time for strawberries?” The answer was always yes and then we would proceed to literally beat that kid to tears with our hockey sticks. That poor little bastard would have big red welts (strawberries) on his body for days.
I felt bad about this after I left school for some time until I met him again several years later. He was still a little asshole and I no longer felt bad.’
>stay up for 3 days
>start going delirious
>decide to cycle down to the shop to buy some raspberries for whatever reason.
>get on bike
>fall asleep while riding it
>wake up topless on the curb
>it’s night time
>my bike is gone
>start feeling dizzy
>fall asleep in my front yard
>wake up next morning
>realise I’m in my neighbours front yard
>they ask why I’m topless, bleeding and passed out in their garden
>they give me a bag of M&M’s and direct me next door to my place.
>forget how to open bag of M&M’s
>fall asleep in hallway covered in a popped bag of M&M’s.
>roommate takes pictures and puts them on Facebook’
‘1983 Hector Macho Camacho
1984 No vote held
1985 Godfrey Sithole
1986 No vote held
1987 No vote held
1988 No vote held
1989 Magnus Pelkowski
1990 Otis Overcash
1991 Doby Chrotchtangle
1992 Excellent Raymond
1992 Assumption Bulltron (Name of the Decade)
1993 Crescent Dragonwagon
1994 Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Scientific Mapp)
1995 Ballots missing
1996 Honka Monka
1997 Courage Shabalala
1998 L.A. St. Louis
1999 Licentious Beastie (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Dick Surprise)
2000 Nimrod Weiselfish
2001 Tokyo Sexwale
2002 Miracle Wanzo
2003 Jew Don Boney Jr.
2004 Jerome Fruithandler
2005 Tanqueray Beavers
2006 Princess Nocandy
2007 Vanilla Dong’ (best name award of the year)
‘Have you tried painting with fragrance? That’s something I’ve done in the past and it’s been really satisfying. You get different scents you love (flowers, essential oils, fruit, salt, that sort of thing) and out them on paper with colors that correspond in your mind. Try it, you might like it if you’re into crazy abstract.’
‘All caps and three exclamation points just seem at odds with the idea of being constantly lazy. Although, I guess I can imagine her laying on a couch screaming “I DON’T THINK SO!!!” while staring emotionlessly at that infomercial for the Magic Bullet. “Mixed drinks, cheese dip and fruit smoothies? I DON’T THINK SO!!!”’
‘One time in my junior year of high school, I made a movie for my drama class called “Catwalk.” It was supposed to enlighten the viewer of the traumatic world of male modeling. The plot was as follows:
Gene Longfellow (the lead) was born into a family of historically good-looking men, male models, actually. His father dies in a freak cat-walk accident, hitting a pose too sharply on a greased floor, slipping, and dying almost immediately. Subsequently, Gene grows up without a father and without the knowledge of his previous legendary modeling lineage. Fast forward: Gene is older now. He works at Popeye’s chicken, frying chicken day in and day out. His uncanny good looks are a stark contrast to his dismal/ugly surroundings.
In the years that Gene grew up, male modeling became dominated by a single agency… Mantastic Inc., owned by an evil (think Dr. Claw + Dr. Evil) yet unreasonably good-looking former model Dwight Feltersnatch. He plans to take over the modeling world. In a recent catwalk shoot, Dwight sabotages his only remaining corporate competition, Models Inc., leaving Models Inc. with no models. Dwight’s plans are close to coming to fruition.
Distraught and with no apaprent future for their company, the owners of Models Inc decide to think over their course of action over a chicken dinner. They meet Gene.
After a bootcamp-like training montage, Gene quickly becomes the posterchild of male modeling. In the final scene at a prominent modeling event, Gene finds out Dwight killed his father. They fight to the death, Dwight loses, and COMPLETELY RANDOMLY a bunch of kids come in, put him in a large net, and drag him off. He is then fed to a dog (who was too friendly to act mean). Gene’s happiness is short lived. A stagehand (a girl) walks onto the catwalk to clean up the mess made during the scuffle. Photographers immediately start taking pictures. Women are the “next big thing.”
Flash-forward to an old man. He’s holding a beer and looks like a vietnam vet, but is supposed to be gene in the future (my dad). He ends with the line “… and thats why modeling today ain’t shit” to the camera.’
‘YOU DICKBARRELED SHITSTAIN PIECE OF NUTRIDING ASSWRANGLING COCKMOUTHED WALL OF FAGGOTFRUIT ASSCAKED SHITRAVERSING CHUNKS OF MOTHERLICKING MINTBALLED NIGGERUMBLING PIMPLECUNTED WAFFLEATING SACK OF TWISTED FIVE-NUT MONGOLOID SNICKERLICKER ASSFACED QUEER-EARED FAGMUNCHING CUMCHOMPING PIECEOFGODDAMNIGGERIGOTIN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY MOM GOT SCARED SHE SAID “YOU’RE MOVIN IN WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BELAIR I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT AND CALLED TO THE CABBIE “YO HOMES, SMELL YA NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGERNIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGERNIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGERNIGGER NIGGER NIGGER’
“Forbidden fruits lead to sticky jams”
‘i was thinkin about getting a stove so i could cook meals but then i thought about “man what if i had fruity pebbles to eat… ALL THE TIME?” so for the same price i got a life-size Fred Flintstone
when you pull on his arm he shouts “BARNEY MY PEBBLES” and a coughs up a bowlful of cereal’
‘“Brian-San, what is it like to be human?” Twelve asked me.
“It’s great” I said, “you can play Magic all day long and then eat 20 bowls of fruit roll-ups and cheerios.”’
‘I once saw an alpha baboon taking it to one of the females in the pen. Someone made a loud noise and the female ran off just as the male was blowing his business all over the rocks.
the hook is, dude wasn’t satisfied with that. he sat there looking at his business, then, once it was good and congealed, he rolled it up off the rocks like a fruit roll up and had himself a tasty treat.
‘Serious answer: walk up and ask “Do you want a date?” If the answer is no, take out a bag of dates (as in the dried fruit) and ask “Are you sure? They’re delicious!” At best, they reconsider; at worst, you save face and maybe get a laugh out of them.’
‘Sartin: It’s also the cock fruit, attacking turd, and (of course) gay buttfucking ogre RPG, but one thing at a time! [It’s like an express train full of things designed to hurt your mind; just when you think that it’s finished running you over, another car hits you, grinding yet another valuable part of your soul beneath its wheels.]’
http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/14/14567.phtml?asid=cb452af1 (note: i have fatal)
‘I can’t remember who said it, think it was Teddy Roosevelt but, ‘I could carve a better man out of a banana’, is my personal favourite. It has the right balance of nonsense and fruit for everyday use.’
‘Q: Why did the fruit vendor fire his apple delivery guy?
A: Because he kept driving him bananas!’
‘I think I’ve recently developed this ability as every day after a shower I smell like the meal I ate the night before. Strangely I don’t smell like it as soon as I wake up.
It’s getting weird that nearly every day people who just happen to be near me are saying slightly strange stuff like “I’m suddenly craving steak and onions.” or “I’d kill for some chinese pork with water chestnuts right now.” and even “Why are you wearing aftershave that smells like grapefruit and pineapple?” the day after I was too lazy to cook so just ate fruit.
I have no explanation for this that doesn’t sound insane.’
‘Let’s take this down to the levels of grapes. After this, I must (and will) quickly leave this forum. Personal matters.
Let’s say four individuals of varying character are stranded on an island. Between the four of them, there are also four grapes. They distribute the grapes evenly because they all share an underlying faith in fairness.
The first grape will be eaten by the most panicked, irrational of the men. It will be eaten quickly because he fears himself already starving. He does not think in the long term. He is the most pitiable of these individuals. He is Grape Level 4.
The second grape will be eaten out of boredom. There was a time in Ancient Greece that the concept of eating fruits was considered an entertaining novelty, and this second man will revert back to this Greek ideal once the fun dies down. What he does is a horrid and wasteful thing. He is the most despicable of these individuals. He is Grape Level 3.
The third grape will be eaten out of paranoia. This man will eat his grape out of fear that the others will soon be upon him to take it from him. He perceives the bonds that they shared in their belief in equality to be broken. His paranoia subsides after consumption, and he is left with a crippling loneliness and emptiness. He… is an ambivalent fellow. He is Grape Level 2.
The fourth grape will be eaten at an appropriate time. The man who consumes may just yet live long enough to see rescue. From time to time, his mind will return to that isle - the Isle of the Shared Grapes. And he will wonder. He is a noble fellow, sad though his memories may be. He is Grape Level 1.
I would place the man in this article squarely on Grape Level 3. So would any other reasonable person.
Now I have to leave.’
‘i love putting a whole bag of skittles in my mouth and then choking on my fruit flavored saliva’
‘This fruity gay black dude was hired at work. Despite being an intolerant hillbilly, he was a lot of fun to hang around once you got past his wearing long fake nails and tendency to burst into song at random moments. I learned to use cool city phrases like “punk assed bitch” and listen to Sean Paul.
Apparently he was trying to get to be gay too or something, because he told me all of this bullshit about how he had entered a poetry contest and gotten first place, trying to impress me. I guess it’s because I have a ton of books in my library. I asked him to show me his poem and he was like, “Uh I lost it”. Then he moved back to the city without ever speaking to me again. If you’re out there Roland, sorry I broke your heart you flamer.’
‘I had one those moments that I look back at with my friends and go “that was the most I laughed ever”, but don’t quite know the reason why. We were in Mcdonalds near a local mall, and after eating a ton of food, one of us mentioned that he heard Marilyn Manson had surgically removed his upper teeth including his gum. The guy said Manson supposedly did this just so he can get a fruit roll-up dispenser installed in his mouth, and then he proceeded to demonstrate how it works. Another friend and I couldn’t stop laughing. Even when my stomach started to hurt and my face got red like a goddamn raspberry.
I’d think Fruit by the Foot would be more practical for that sort of thing. Silly rock stars!’
‘whenever i see the phrase “raging homosexual”, i think of an incredibly fruity man dressed in a pink outfit running around in high heels while waving his arms about flamboyantly as he shouts “I’m so angry I could suck a dick the size of a bus.”
‘I used to sing the 1-800-97-Jenny song at fat people when I was a toddler
One time my Mom took me to the grocery store late one night. I don’t remember how old I was, but I think I was still a baby. Pops me in the kiddie seat and walks over to the fruit section. Parks the cart and inspects the quartered cantaloupes. At the same time, a fat woman in honeydew colored stretch pants walks by and drops something. She bends down to pick it up and I struggled like Christ almighty to scoot that cart while saying “HONEYDEW! HONEYDEW!” and trying to grab this woman’s ass.
disclaimer: Did not grow up to be a lesbian chubby chaser.’
‘Being queer is kinda like being a vampire. We are all descended from the original Fruitcake of Prancing Darkness. There are the pureblooded noble houses (gays and lesbians), and then there are the daywalkers (filthy halfbreeds/bisexuals). Every so often we will turn another to our side and our ranks swell with fauxhawks, lipgloss, wild orgies and the most fierce struts you’ve ever seen. I’ve seen a lipstick and a flamer Z-snapping at each other, hands a blur and eyes blazing as they bitch the other out for spilling their apple-tini on the other’s purse. I’ve seen a butchdyke shoulder checking a bear-daddy during a pickup game of rugby. The things I’ve seen…
You’re probably asking yourself where transpeople fit into this. They are the lycans, of course. Every few weeks they can no longer withhold their natures and with exultant, soul-ripping screams of raw, animal release they shed their skins and assume their true forms. They grow long nails (some of them) and the others grow hair.
For too long the vampires and the lycans have warred against one another. I hope in my lifetime to see an alliance between our noble races as we seek to overcome the petty humans. Once we have taken over their magical ritual of marriage we will be able to summon La Fagra—the embodiment of pure homosexuality, a twisting, writhing torrent of pure Queer that will turn everyone instantly into one of us.
I eagerly await the day.’
‘Cherries are a very popular fruit – used in cooking, liqueur production, or eaten raw. They are from the same family as plums, apricots, and peaches. All of the previously mentioned fruits contain highly poisonous compounds in their leaves and seeds. Almonds are also a member of this family but they are the only fruit which is harvested especially for its seeds. When the seeds of cherries are crushed, chewed, or even slightly injured, they produce prussic acid (hydrogen cyanide). Next time you are eating cherries, remember not to suck on or chew the pip.’
‘He ate his carrots first! Look at him, he’s clearly a nerd and is therefor going thru his lunch in alphabetical order. Apple juice, carrots, THEN you get egg salad, and finally fruit snacks.
Later he will realize his lunch take place entirely in the first half of the alphabet and ask for polenta and tiramisu to help balance this.’
‘He’s supposed to be kneeling. Like you do when you suck guy’s dicks.
When I suck down the creamy filling of a thick, juicy wang, I hang upside down. Like a bat.
A fruit bat.’
‘infinite jest was thick as fuck but i enjoyed it, it is a challenge to read and i guess a bunch of internet people spent the entire summer slogging through it so i don’t feel so bad about taking a whole week to finish.
i read a bunch of a twilight book tonight, it was pretty funny, aping that lady’s writing style should come pretty naturally soon, if i can make it through this whole book i will have increased my knowledge of pop culture and also soon be able to make posts as a vampire fetishist. there are a lot of dashes. a lot of dumbing down. deep emotions. simple sentences.
i was intrigued — no, infatuated. no. too big a word. just totally in love. i was totally, completely in love with this shiny man. as the last picture of jersey shore faded from my tv screen. i knew. deep in my eternal soul where only god and the angel nephi can see. i knew i was in love with the situation. i wanted to be decked. i wanted to sample the evil of a tavern — the one thing father had always warned me about. don’t go in the taverns at night sugartits. he’d say. yet the forbidden fruit is always the tastiest.’
‘visualize your dream girl. see her walking around the street corner in your decaying town. her dishwater-brown hair limply hanging in a tangled mess, buttressed by a camel’s hairy hump. her banana-shaped titties puncturing miniscule openings in her dull gray blouse and leaking the fruits of her filthy sexual labor down her jiggling stomach. her boyish hips belying the four children back home who want nothing more than a man to call daddy and a backhand to their still-unformed craniums. her spindly, pale legs striped with a dense brown fur that the town barber has photographed and taped to the shop window in lieu of sending off to the city for a fancy tri-color pole. her voluptuous feet bulging the stained leather of her hand-me-down penny loafers, pinched 40 years ago from the last poor soul who made the mistake of vacationing in this shithole. she is beautiful. she is everything you ever wanted. as she meets your enchanted gaze, you open your mouth and utter the fateful words, “if you’re looking for a good book, could i suggest a song of ice and fire by george r.r. martin?” ’
‘place my testicles in a sippy cup full of grapefruit juice and taste my pain ’
‘This letter will be secured to an office fridge with a fruity watermelon magnet, produce maybe a single chuckle, and that will be that.
And beside it, a stained missive about how Bill Gates and the Borg both Ate My Balls, and how Bert is Evil, and a printout of those high-LaRioUs dancing hamsters. CLICK HERE FOR MORE SICK AND TWISTED SITES!! OH GOD I’M AN IDIOT RUNNING AROUND WITH A SHOTGUN!! **WHOOPS** I TRIPPED AND **BONK** MY HEAD AND **BLAM** I’M DEAD.’
‘Drosophila melanogaster is a noble creature who has contributed more to human welfare and our understanding of biology than you ever will. Get a weird disease and give your body to science and maybe then you can bad mouth fruit flies
yeah that’s right I’m white knighting fruit flies. what do you think of that assfuck ’
‘I’m with the Jesuit on this one—inquiring minds need to know! As a Christian, I’ve always wondered a) if other planets got the same “pick good or forbidden fruit” test we did, b) if they did, which did they pick, and c) what’s up if they didn’t get the test at all??
Is there space Jesus?!’
‘headbutt. headbutt. headbutt. headbutt is the fastest, it is faster than anything. it is faster than light, it is more than we can comprehend. it is a beam of pure thought directed from my forehead into yours at a billion miles a second.
i headbutted someone today and when the smoke cleared we were both 10 years younger. he tried to feint me but before his brain could even send the impulse to the nerves in his body, telling him to point over my shoulder, i had headbutted him twice. sometimes i do it so quickly i don’t even know it happened, i am just instantly surrounded by mountains of bodies, heads crushed like old fruit and cocoons undeployed.
i have tested this, i have tested it in my cum fort. it is hopeless. i send this message from the distant future, headbutts have trapped me in a time and space i do not recognize. send help. headbutt a trauma kit and it may end up near my epoch.’
‘If you blow across the vagina, it will make a sound similar to blowing across a moonshine jug. Virginas have a high pitch, and the more times it’s been sexed, the lower the note.
If you get several vaginas in a row, you should be able to play the theme song to Halo. Chicks dig that’
‘curvy goonette im everything your hoping for: a jewish male who enjoys putting his feet in vaginas and having my flaccid wiener suckled upon like u are a baby extracting nourishment from the teet of my dong
e: forsooth, verily’
‘“Surgeon” will learn to hate himself and the world when the orders start coming in for pregnant male foxbats with steampunk accesories and fuckable urethras, giant sized Marge Simpsons with dick-clits and lactating breasts whose vaginas that can house a grown man, and anime robot girls with preteen features in maid uniforms that dispense pocky from their asshole.’ (re: custom real dolls)
‘The mental image of flowering nipples made me literally gag.’
‘Me, too. I thought we were going to see some baby doll that somehow goes through puberty and has “breast buds” that metaphorically flower into breasts.
I think what’s gross about this is that the manufacturer thought that nipples were shameful, so he euphemized the maternal body by giving it naked flowers instead of naked nipples. Nipples are basically drink dispensers. Flowers are the genitive organs of a plant. So, basically, this toy is a plastic baby that needs to suck on plant vaginas to live. Real fuckin’ clever, Spanish toy factory owner. I hope you have a headache today. You don’t use your head for much else.’ (re: breastfeeding flowernipples baby doll)
how to remember ‘The 12 cranial nerves:
‘let my turpentine fallacy construct your period of sun-aided brilliance! cooled the architect.
oh baby. she cried. in the sense that she yelled this uncomfortably loud and my ears were startled and i had to think about how many hairs were on her head to calm me down. not in the sense that she was bawling. girls do that around me sometimes. i don’t mean to. i always offer to share my raw onions with them. there’s nothing tastier. gotta have two or three in my pockets at all times. never know when that hunger is gonna strike. but she cried out in pleasure.
i am ensuring myself in your pheromone! he bellied.
i love it. i love you. i love your penis. i love you inside of me. i love you more than i have loved anything in this world. i love you more than life itself. i love you more than death. i love you more than conker’s bad fur day 2 which was never released except as a beta to three lucky australians in the summer of 2006 and which you cunningly pirated and the fact that you obtained this glorious piece of art makes me love you even more. she hissed. that is not to imply that she is a snake. nor that her sole purpose on earth was to accommodate my penis. rather it indicates both that she derived sexual pleasure from my massive penis and also that it is her primary, not sole, purpose to allow me to place my sexual cucumber in her soupy fruit salad. that is a metaphor. or perhaps two. i like yogurt in my fruit salad and also in vaginas it kinda tastes good and helps my digestion and it lets me know that she can breed yeast well and will make a good mother to my infinitely more complex children.
i have varnished! in mdma he grapsed.’
no context for this.
someone say stairs????? i think i heard someone say stairs!!!!!
i get a ton of results in the document but this post is long enough, ask again if you want them too
oh, you knew that was coming, didnt you :V i will throw you a bone though
‘This is the saddest, funniest thing I’ve read in a while. It is like if a circus tent full of clowns started bursting into flames. But they had horns on the soles of their shoes so every time they took a step while running and screaming the horn would go off.’
one document hit
‘This is what I call The Internet Circle of Life. At first you’re normal. Then you find out about bondage. Then you find out about furries. Then you find out about guro. Then you find a picture that combines all of the above and shitting dicknipples, and you vow to fuck up as many people as possible as bad as the internet fucked up you. The internet itself is my sociopathic fantasy.’
this is basically what happened to me only its not so much maliciously ‘spreading the word’ and more just lol look at this shit. unfortunately, i cannot find any images i have saved of dicknipples just to pass onto you. better luck next time!!!!
this was sent before id even explained what i was doing but ill do this one anyway too. it doesnt say quite what it wants so ill improvise.
here is some ferrofluid. it is liquid iron and does crazy shit w/magnets.
heres A BIG FUCKING GUMMY BEAR. you can buy one here http://www.vat19.com/dvds/worlds-largest-gummy-bear.cfm
heres a wavy sink. sinks own, i have more pics of sinks if you want. also stairs.
i dont have a favourite inanimate object but these are some ok ones. hope theyre good and inanimate enough
my document gets one hit.
‘In a future dystopian society, gay robots anally rape one another until their victims become bow-legged cripples. You are one such anally violated victim, on a quest for revenge and manpussy.’
can YOU guess what this is referring to????? (you as in everyone else, i already know you do)
(this is from a /v/ thread telling people to describe games based on their cover art)
hi, im a gay fag w/ too much shit on turpitude II (my computer). i was going to make some kind of digital hoader meme kind of thing that other people can do but i doubt there are that many people like me so i guess im just doing it by myself here. the long and short of it is that i have hundreds of thousands of images and a near-5000 page text document of just random crap i save (i started it in 2006). i am inviting anyone to look through it, kind of. i mean people ask for stuff and i look through it and post the results. but hopefully a good entertaining time will be had by all.
basically just ask for stuff. say hey i would like you to search the word ____ or short phrase ____ in your document and post it. or post something funny relating to ____ if you have it. something informative. search ____ and if any images appear in the results post them. i want a picture thats mainly blue. how about something from your document on page 2693. post me a song thats 3:48 minutes long. please scrape the bottom of the barrel and serve me up the most retarded/pointless bullshit you can find. if i can remember where i got it, or the context, or whatever, ill prob put that too.
disclaimer: i just find this shit places, other people make/say/do this shit, i just save it all, and chances are if theres stuff like peoples names/adresses/phone no.s/whatever else too specific/personal/whatever else i wont post it. dont worry i wont hold back otherwise
my document has a few blank spots for me to put more stuff into, if you ask for something from a blank page ill just tell you so. some of the urls might be out of date, again ill mention them too.
protips: i have found one of the more effective searching of pictures is a 3 number sequence since i dont name a lot of my files. sometimes it finds pictures that dont even have the number in the filename, but somewhere else.
there are 384 instances of the word penis in my document. there are 394 dicks and 195 cocks. 74 wiener and 17 weiner. if you know me, you’ll know what i will have more of and if you want more well say so. whatever. hell if you want more statistics like this, i will post them too.
ok i cant think of anything else. go hog wild